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Mental “Breakthroughs” in the Student Body

A Satirical Analysis of Students’ Mental Health

Walking through the school throughout the day, one might be stunned to see the breadth of emotions surging through the student body. From the pure joy of receiving a good grade to the abject horror of forgetting to complete a project, AJA High School students exude a full range of emotions. However, lest it be misconstrued, the positive emotions in the school heavily outweigh the negative, and here’s why:

One might hear this argument and immediately think to themself: “Impossible! I watched four students break down just during Tefillah. I have seen students alternate between laughing and crying 47 times in the span of just minutes. Students line the hallways just for a chance to talk to Dr. Mason. There is no way the mental health of the student body is thriving.” But they would be wrong. Completely. And totally. Wrong. (This is not sponsored by AJA to market the High School as a mentally well school.)

As part of this article, students have anonymously come forward to share their mental health non-issues. One sophomore said, “I used to cry myself to sleep every night because of my uncontrollable anxiety, but then I stopped because I realized that I receive enough support from my school that I have no need to cry anymore.” It should be noted that, at this time, the student does still cry to sleep each night. However, now it is because of their tremendous workload, thereby no longer classifying this behavior as a mental health issue.

Another student abashedly shared that their depression makes it incredibly difficult for them to find the energy and will to complete work. However, after starting a new routine of drinking eight cups of water a day, going on walks, and smiling more, as well as saying daily positive affirmations, the student appears to be more productive than ever. They came forward because they wanted the Palette readership to know that “my mental health is not as bad as it looks. Really, I am completely and totally and utterly mentally healthy.”

Now, from an outside perspective, things might still seem dire: students can still be seen cowering under desks during free periods, anxiously checking Dr. Mason’s office for availability, and lying on the floor in dark empty classrooms waiting for the strength to stand up. But the student body is stronger than this. In a poll conducted by Palette, 94% of students shared that they had at least one coping mechanism they could count on for support in troubling times. While the number of students that felt they could rely on a teacher was a little lower, at 39%, it still totals out to 133% support. 

So the next time you feel sad, anxious, or just generally unstable, remember these heartfelt, genuine, and 100% effective tips. Drink water. Go on a walk. Eat healthier. Smile more. Be happy. No, seriously, just be happy. It’s really not that hard to just be happy. Is something wrong with you? 

Editor’s Note: These surveys and quotes are intended as humorous and are not factual. This article is not an accurate reflection of the student body’s actual mental health. It is satire.

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