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Satire: Denim Is the New Black

An exploration of the unseen history and limitless possibilities of jean-based paraphernalia

We’ve all seen the majestic glamor and mysterious pull exerted by the likes of jorts and jeggings. Their hypnotic power is considerable and undeniable. However, few have truly contemplated the essence of the fabric that grants them this ravishing mystique. 

Denim was first obtained by the ancient Greeks, some time before 1000 BC, when the Titan Prometheus stole the miraculous, mystical material directly from the gods. The gods, who were at that point in time akin to a snobbish upper class, had attempted to prevent the proverbial proletariats from acquiring the fabric; the majority of modern scholars attribute this to the greed, selfishness, and general lack of empathy commonly displayed by these gods. Predictably, when the people of Greece received this transcendent textile, they instantly became the sole global superpower. They reached a golden age of arts, philosophy, economics, government, and especially fashion, creating the long-enduring joga — a garment so simple and sleek yet regal and commanding that it is still synonymous with ancient Greek high society to this day.

Over the next three millennia, denim was the premier fabric. The center of political power was always the center of denim production, and denim itself consistently comprised between five and nine percent of the global economy, even before taking into account the many industries which indirectly relied on denim in order to function. But it still had not taken its final form. That change began in the late 1800s, when Levi Strauss & Co. began supplying the fabric to a true visionary by the name of Jacob Davis. Davis, in his unmatched ingenuity, invented the first of the captivating family of legwear in 1873, launching a period of renewed fervor for denim — a new golden age of fashion.

Since then, jegwear has become a ubiquitous feature of the post-industrial wardrobe. The vast majority of people today have closets filled with denim from top to bottom, recognizing its position as the king of fabrics. And yet, many still refuse to realize that denim could be more — so much more.

Recent advancements in the field of analytical denimonomy have identified several new opportunities for denim-based garments; the jurtleneck in particular shows immense promise as a revolutionary fashion item.

Why limit denim to legwear? The Greeks understood that it could do better, so why not us? Recent advancements in the field of analytical denimonomy have identified several new opportunities for denim-based garments; the jurtleneck in particular shows immense promise as a revolutionary fashion item. When asked about the concept of the jurtleneck, people gave their glowing praise, saying, “I… think that’s the best idea,” “That sounds terri[fic],” and “I would… wear that even if you [didn’t] pay me to.” Other possibilities include the jest, the juit jacket, and the J-shirt.

But denim shouldn’t be limited to only clothing. Such a restriction is close-minded, merely serving to prevent denim from realizing its true potential. Jents and jleeping bags may become essential components of any camping trip. Jubber tires would be well-equipped to handle rough terrain, due to the inherent rugged durability of the material. A Jiploc bag would be biodegradable but long-lasting, and jlastic in general will present a simple, cost-effective, and undeniably stylish solution to pollution. Thin strips of bleached japer, subsidized by jovernments worldwide, will revolutionize education and bureaucracy. The Jospel will be preached in every jurch, jynagogue, and josque, and Levi Strauss will soon be rightfully hailed as the savior of jumanity. It is inevitable. It is unavoidable. It is our juture and our jate. 

Finally, I would like to present what is perhaps the most ingenious and novel application of denim. Imagine your everyday pants — perhaps khakis or slacks. They are functional and comfortable, perhaps even fashionable. But now imagine the same pair of pants, except the material is replaced with denim. Imagine how much better they would be — superior in every conceivable aspect, in fact. I have come to the realization that this is denim in its most primal form; this basest, rawest Platonic ideal of the cloth will bring our salvation. Such a superlative invention is deserving of a similarly unmatched name. This is why, after pondering for many years, I have decided to term this invention jants. 

History is being written today — not just our history, but the history of the universe. You, too, can be part of that history. You can help shape the denim-based fabric of reality. You can become something more. You can attain truth, power, influence — whatever you desire.

That’s right — you can get a pair of your own for the low, low price of $349.99 when you call the toll-free number on your screen right now. And if you call in the next thirty minutes, we will even throw in a second pair, completely free! You heard that right, completely free! So call this number now, and be a part of the revolution. Shipping and handling not included.

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