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SATIRE: How to Style a Sleeping Bag

Staying Cute, Chic, and Comfy in Code!

There is no greater joy than walking into class knowing you’re the best-dressed person there (this may not be applicable in all cases, terms and conditions do apply). But when you look into the mirror each day, do you ever wonder, “Is this look enough?” And the answer will always be “No,” unless you make a major lifestyle change: You must learn to effortlessly style a sleeping bag into a dress-code appropriate outfit. Your gut instinct might be yelling at you, “NO! Don’t do this! Sleeping bags are slept in, not incredibly alluring fashion statements! The author is clearly trying to make you look like a clown.” Your gut is wrong. The sleeping bag is the only right answer. So without further ado, here is a comprehensive list of ways to craftily and legally accentuate your outfit with a sleeping bag.

First, a suggestion for everyone: wear a sleeping bag as shoes. Just slip a sleeping bag over your feet, and you’ll be ready to roll. Think of this style as a potato sack race but comfortable. Not only will you be the most comfortable in class, but your friends will be begging to join you (Palette does not endorse sharing shoes, however, finds nothing in the dress code suggesting that that would not be allowed). While everyone in class shivers through the arctic cold of the math classrooms, you’ll stay nice and toasty. 

Next, you can wear a sleeping bag as a jacket. Note: This style needs a sleeping bag with a hood. Unzip the sleeping bag and place the hood over your head. Grab a belt and tighten it around your waist, making sure the sleeping bag stays in place. Finally, remove the hood from your head to remain in dress code. This jacket will keep you warm and make everyone envious of your clearly superior fashion (think A$AP Rocky from the Met Gala but with a sleeping bag). 

Another opportunity to stunt on your classmates is to wear the sleeping bag as a dress. (An important note: since a sleeping bag is not a gendered garment, it will not be considered begged isha.) To style this dress, you’ll need a sleeping bag that zips from the bottom to the top. Place the top side of the sleeping bag over your head, as if you were styling the jacket. Then, zip it up from the bottom to your neck. Make sure it covers your knees! To make sure the dress won’t fall off (an unforgivable fashion faux pas), pair it with a belt to keep the sleeping bag in place. You could also bust out your old childhood arts and crafts and use duct tape if you feel like sticking to the whole “camp” theme. While it may be difficult to use your arms, there are simply some sacrifices you need to make for fashion. With this look, you will be the belle of the ball. Imagine the texture of a sleeping bag gently coating your body as you strut between classes. Your friends will be so impressed with this look that they will fall head over heels for you. This is a Palette guarantee (please contact your local Palette representative should this ever not come true).

Finally, here are some overall tips to sparkle up your “fit.” Paint the sleeping bag to make it glow in the dark (spooky, classy, and makes for fun Shabbos dancing vibes). Bedazzle your sleeping bag with sequins and glitter to shine bright like a diamond, just like Rihanna. Paint various patches of color onto your sleeping bag to create a patchwork quilt mood. Finally, for anyone brave enough to try, wear three sleeping bags, each one styled in a different way.

These tips should ensure that wherever you go, all eyes are on you. For better or for worse, be prepared to own your look. Styling a sleeping bag is no easy feat, but your friends will admire you for your valiant efforts. Secretly, they’ll wish they could pull off a sleeping bag as well as you do.

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