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Satire: A Model STUCO Campaign Speech

Asher Lytton

People of AJA! If you vote for me to be your next STUCO President, I promise immense policy reform. I will bring AJA back together with statutes to fix pencil poverty and desks on wheels.

Now many of you may have heard of the recent rise in dress code enforcement within our school. 1 in every 5 students have faced dress code penalties in the last year. And not only that! The dress code disproportionately affects women. Infinitely many more girls will be informed that they are wearing too long a skirt for every single boy who is told the same. This is outrageous. It’s almost like the school doesn’t care what length of skirt the boys wear! 80% of teachers’ disciplinary skills are now required to deal with dress code issues, relegating almost no time to enforce other important policies like social distancing, keeping quiet during davening, having videos turned on when on Zoom, and not going up the wrong flight of stairs for fear of death. This phenomenon of mass skirting infractions has gone too far. I say we need to focus less of our effort on enforcing the dress code, and more on addressing the underlying social issues that lead to dress code violations.

Another important issue that has resurfaced recently is pencil poverty. Some AJA students lose or leave at home their pencils and must struggle to survive in the harsh school climate without one. I say no more! I will impose a tax on everyone who buys a pencil, and use the pencils collected this way to give to those in need of pencils. We must help our brothers out of poverty, and redistribute the pencil wealth! 1% of students control 10% of the school’s pencils!

And I know, lately the No-Wheel New Deal has gotten some bad press. People falsely claim that it will leave us without adequate desks and stools. I will reiterate that the No-Wheel New Deal will leave nobody desk-less. It will only replace wheely desks and stools with more sustainable non-rolly desks. Some people argue, “So what if the wheels scratch the floor? In the short term they are more fun!” Well to them I respond, we must think of the future generations. If in two years, we have not reverted to 90% scratchless and sustainable desks, we will have reached the point of no return. Future generations will have to suffer the inescapable fact that they have no floor. That our need for instant gratification has led us to roll around, gradually disintegrating the entire floor.

 Other re-organization of classroom programs that I will enact will attempt to gather data on the mysterious pillars in rooms 418 and 419 and what their purpose might be. Can they be removed?

Finally, I will “Make Mincha Nap Time Again.” It will replace the unnecessary amount of time we spend trying to connect with our creator with something more enriching. Naps! A return to the kindergarten days when sleeping in school was mandatory not illegal, this initiative will involve dimming the lights and filling the classrooms with sleeping mats.

I leave you with one question. Will you vote for reform of inequality, or will you vote for stagnation and inaction?

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