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HUMOR: How to Make Friends Virtually

Sivan Livnat

Do you lack friends? Do you need to tell your parents you’re hanging out with friends when you actually go to Target to cry in their bathrooms? Do you suffer from “friendlessness syndrome”? If so, this is the article for you.

First and foremost you need to know how to make new friends during this new climate. The first rule of thumb is to reach out to your classmates that you’d like to get to know. The best way to get their attention is to periodically call them between midnight and 5 a.m. This way, they won’t forget about you. Similarly, feel free to contact them on every single social media platform they have (e.g. WhatsApp, FaceTime, Instagram, Snapchat, Google Classroom, Google Docs, etc.). Don’t forget to find out all of their personal data; email or call TikTok’s customer support line to get any information you might need to know about them. After you’ve annoyed them to the point of feeling the need to respond to you, set up a time to meet, preferably one either during the witching hour or at high noon.

Once you’ve set up a time and place to meet, the next most important part of the guide to making friends is the outfit decision. Now, some people will tell you to dress your best. Others will tell you to dress confidently. Certain individuals might even go as far as to advise you to wear whatever you want. All of these suggestions are wrong. To make the absolute best first impression, you need to dress like Neo from The Matrix. This will show your new friends that you are mysterious, classy, and well-versed in cinematography. If you’re not familiar, the outfit requires an all-black ensemble with a black jacket and dark sunglasses. This classic outfit is androgynous and anyone can pull it off. And, the best part is, if you and your friend show up wearing the same outfit, you’re both officially offered admittance to the Mossad. Don’t believe me? Try it out, you’ll see.

So, you show up, you’re clad in mystery and intrigue.  What do you say? For a lasting effect, you can never go wrong with a simple, “Will you marry me?” This question is a power question. They have to make an important decision quickly, and you’re allowed the time to familiarize yourself with them. Their response to this question will also be a big indicator of the longevity of your friendship. The more enthusiastic the answer is, whether positive or negative, the higher chances are that you’ll stick it out, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. Even if they say no. Freshmen, new students, and anyone else looking to make new friends this year. Do it safely. Do it properly. And if you don’t show up looking like Neo from The Matrix, don’t bother trying. Just stay home. The staff here at Palette wishes you nothing but the best during these trying times. Good luck.

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